veronica (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aberration) wrote2022-12-11 02:21 pm
aberration) wrote2022-12-11 02:21 pm
(no subject)
I could say “oh my god! It’s been like a year since I posted!” But that would sound like it’s a surprise and... it’s not. Yesterday I went for a walk and it felt like the first time in ages that I was taking a walk because I really wanted to, and not while thinking “you must move around or you will die.” My brain has really been sputtering out for a while as I’ve used various means to keep it afloat; my motivation to do anything but snuggle my wife and use minimal brain activity to play The Sims has been, well, pretty lagging.
But now the situation is going to be different for a while, anyway.
So after four years in my job, we can take an unpaid leave of absence for up to a year. I imagine this helps keep people from just burning out and quitting, if you can afford to not be paid for a while. Which, fortunately, yes between my wife’s job and my savings I can do that.
I’m not going to talk about it a lot because well, I want this to be a public post, but I guess like I said above yeah my brain was sputtering out. It’s a stressful and exhausting job, but the pandemic plunged it into an entirely new level of chaotic and overwhelming. Combined with Lynne’s diagnosis that has really limited how we can act like the pandemic is “over” (very quote-unquote), it’s just.
Well, a lot of things. Emotional labor? Arlie Hochschild’s original work actually included lawyers among professions that are “toxic handlers,” those who need to deliver bad news and then take in the emotional response to it. There’s a lot that goes into that, and the general work that’s just, trying to thread whatever perfectly calculated emotional needle is going to get the best outcome, and okay just. You know, it wasn’t just work, it was 24/7 stressing about it, thinking about it, mentally strategizing and agonizing, not having a lot of the basic tools I did pre-pandemic, and honestly struggling to be productive as it all became paralyzing.
It’s taking a toll, I have the option to break with it for a while. So I’m doing that.
(For the last year that I’ve been seeing… one of my mental health professionals, um, every time we talk it’s basically always ended with her saying something like “Can you just… not do your job for a while?” Well I’m finally getting there okay!!!)
And there’s a lot of work I want to do personally now that I’ll have the time - seriously clean up our apartment, work on better habits, really like, be a housespouse to my wife, which lol, but also I do want the space to be entirely emotionally available for them right now. And on the extremely privileged side, take the time to develop and/or employ skills I actually want to explore for a while.
Anyway, it is a very lucky thing, I know that, and I’m hoping to make the most of it.
Or maybe not put pressure on myself to meet some arbitrary expectation I feel personally and maybe societally bound to force on myself. Self care! Self care that is going on walks and having the energy to cook more and meal plan and sweep the floors and also do nonsense okay
Anyway, this all means I will be having a lot more free time to do some long form blogging again. And…. I really hope that ends up being more than just Star Wars hot takes. Like not no Star Wars hot takes but also. LITERALLY anything else. Lukewarm takes. But with twitter imploding it’s a reminder that I really like long-form blogging and have trouble… not doing that, and that this is really the only kind of medium I like doing it in, with a pretty simple layout and comment threads rather than reblogs. Not that it necessarily matters, but even similar (...... more old fashioned? yeesh) long form platforms don’t have the kind of clear comment layout that livejournal clones do, what’s with that?
So I will try to make it. Less than a year this time. Less than a month! We’ll see.
But now the situation is going to be different for a while, anyway.
So after four years in my job, we can take an unpaid leave of absence for up to a year. I imagine this helps keep people from just burning out and quitting, if you can afford to not be paid for a while. Which, fortunately, yes between my wife’s job and my savings I can do that.
I’m not going to talk about it a lot because well, I want this to be a public post, but I guess like I said above yeah my brain was sputtering out. It’s a stressful and exhausting job, but the pandemic plunged it into an entirely new level of chaotic and overwhelming. Combined with Lynne’s diagnosis that has really limited how we can act like the pandemic is “over” (very quote-unquote), it’s just.
Well, a lot of things. Emotional labor? Arlie Hochschild’s original work actually included lawyers among professions that are “toxic handlers,” those who need to deliver bad news and then take in the emotional response to it. There’s a lot that goes into that, and the general work that’s just, trying to thread whatever perfectly calculated emotional needle is going to get the best outcome, and okay just. You know, it wasn’t just work, it was 24/7 stressing about it, thinking about it, mentally strategizing and agonizing, not having a lot of the basic tools I did pre-pandemic, and honestly struggling to be productive as it all became paralyzing.
It’s taking a toll, I have the option to break with it for a while. So I’m doing that.
(For the last year that I’ve been seeing… one of my mental health professionals, um, every time we talk it’s basically always ended with her saying something like “Can you just… not do your job for a while?” Well I’m finally getting there okay!!!)
And there’s a lot of work I want to do personally now that I’ll have the time - seriously clean up our apartment, work on better habits, really like, be a housespouse to my wife, which lol, but also I do want the space to be entirely emotionally available for them right now. And on the extremely privileged side, take the time to develop and/or employ skills I actually want to explore for a while.
Anyway, it is a very lucky thing, I know that, and I’m hoping to make the most of it.
Or maybe not put pressure on myself to meet some arbitrary expectation I feel personally and maybe societally bound to force on myself. Self care! Self care that is going on walks and having the energy to cook more and meal plan and sweep the floors and also do nonsense okay
Anyway, this all means I will be having a lot more free time to do some long form blogging again. And…. I really hope that ends up being more than just Star Wars hot takes. Like not no Star Wars hot takes but also. LITERALLY anything else. Lukewarm takes. But with twitter imploding it’s a reminder that I really like long-form blogging and have trouble… not doing that, and that this is really the only kind of medium I like doing it in, with a pretty simple layout and comment threads rather than reblogs. Not that it necessarily matters, but even similar (...... more old fashioned? yeesh) long form platforms don’t have the kind of clear comment layout that livejournal clones do, what’s with that?
So I will try to make it. Less than a year this time. Less than a month! We’ll see.
no subject